It was 11pm last night & I couldn't sleep. I felt restless, like I would never ever fall asleep. I was also just being a huge bump on a log. I got too stoned earlier in the evening & I didn't feel like doing anything, including the things I actually wanted to do - like yoga. So, I decided to take a little nap instead at 6pm, thinking I would sleep off the haze for an hour & feel awake to do more things after that. Well I woke at 9pm when my boyfriend came in the front door & I still did not feel like doing anything.
This is one of the worst, most paralyzing feelings for me, similar to the feeling of just plain being bored (which I also despise but thats a rant for another time). I have things that I want to do, in fact so many that I literally cannot turn my brain off to stop thinking about them, but my body feels so tired that I literally cannot pursue anything. So, I try to go to sleep & of course the moment my head hits the pillow my brain lights up even more & all I can think about is how I don't feel tired & I will never fall asleep. Just so you know, that helps falling asleep. . . not!
When I reach a point like this I tell myself that I have two options. I can actually start making the changes that I want to & see the change that I desire in my life, or I can feel miserable, not myself, cloudy-headed, depressed, anxious, & all those other not-so-joyous emotions, but the catch is I can't complain about them - because I know exactly what I am doing to my self & therefore no pity party will be thrown. I even get annoyed hearing myself complain in my head, let alone out loud to anyone else, & my poor boyfriend is the one who is usually in ear shot.
Here are some of things that I have been telling myself for awhile, but just haven't done:
In short, today, I have really hit my ends meet. I'm sooo tired, like literally exhausted, from hearing myself say what I am going to do & not doing it. It's going to be hard, but it's time to pull my pants up, & be a freaking adult in the sense that I know I have the ability to change my life & it's not happening right now. Time for some tough love! I can tell my marijuana use has been hindering my agenda lately. So that has got to go, at least for a little bit, until I can grasp control of my life again! That is the #1 change I see happening that will allow me to be more of the person I want to be. This might come as a shock, since I so openly promote marijuana usage. Let me get it clear - there are certain strains that make you feel sleepy (indica) or more awake (sativa). When smoked in small amounts the more awake strain is my favorite & I can thrive with it. However, just as anything else you partake in regularly, smoking marijuana is a habit, & I have just too easily let it become something that I automatically go to & I am realizing the way it is hindering other aspects of my life. I could easily turn the tables here & talk about the use of alcohol, (which is proven to be physically addictive, marijuana isn't) - drinking one beer a night is great, can help you unwind, etc. but you can easily fall into the habit of drinking 6+ & when you do that, you probably just don't feel like doing all the other things you wanted to do anymore.
What about you? What are the stories you tell yourself every day? What are the real changes you want to make for yourself, but are just struggling to get there?? I'm here for you! Let's talk about it ❤